"Signs You've Eaten Too Much"

As presented on the 11/29/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

You ate the turkey, the pop-up thermometer and the plastic net

Last thing you remember is positioning your open mouth behind a dump truck full of yams

All your silverware is worn down to tiny stumps

While picking your teeth, you dislodge an angry construction worker

Strangers keep addressing you as "Mr. President"

This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read "Good Lord!"

You now have an ass the size of Plymouth Rock

People keep looking at you and saying, "I thought the Macy's Parade was over"

Your relatives can't go home because they're stuck in your gravitational field.

You're sweatin' gravy, my friend!

"Department Store Santa Pet Peeves"

As presented on the 12/09/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin

When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it

Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "America's Most Wanted"

Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of Skoal

That billionaire elf from Texas who won't shut up about running for president

Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School

Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes

Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam

Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?"

Two words: lap rash

Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, yet with respect for the religious persuasions of others or their choice not to practice religion at all;

and

a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year, 1999, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to our society have helped make America great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious or sexual preference of the wishes.

(This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, it implies no promise by the wishor to actually attempt to implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others.)

Borrowed without permission from Jeff Foxworthy's Christmas song:

NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH... U.P... A.P... BBC... NBC... ETC...

About twelve midnight local time an old man in a red suit and a long white beard was arrested while trying to gain entrance into the white house. Due to all the recent incidents at the white house, security has been extra tight and despite the old mans protest that he was just trying to deliver some gifts, the secret service had him locked up by twelve ten pm.

When the president was contacted his only comment was it must have been Rush Limbaugh, since he knew everyone else in the country loved him.

The old mans transportation (a sleigh and eight animals) was taken to the FBI lab for a complete search.

When the whole incident was over, the president gave a sigh or relief and said MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL "is that okay Hill???"

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Oh well a weak attempt at humor on a full stomach. Eat too much venison for Christmas Dinner. Hope you all have a real nice Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Pack of Bud

Rasslin' tickets

tin of copenhagen

years probation

table dancers

cans of redman

cans of spam

Flannel Shirts

Mud Grip Tires

Shotgun Shells

Huntin' dogs

and some parts to a Mustang GT

If you're from Georgia you'll understand the Mud Grip Tires :)