Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said,
“Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”
Mable answered, “I have? A suppository?”
She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my missing
Hearing aid is.”

- Faith in God,

- Community service,

- Math 610/ Verbal 550 (SAT or TOEFL equivalent)

- It also helps to know someone on the admissions board.

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said "God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.

So God made him a woman !!

A man came in to heaven and God wanted to go on a vacation so he asked the man to take over while he was away. God told the man to give everyone a test before

letting them into heaven. God leaves and a man comes floating up and says, ''Please let me in to heaven.''

The other man says, ''I have to give you a test first.''

The man coming into heaven says, ''Oh jeez I'm not too good at tests!''

The other man says, ''Spell LOVE'' The man spells it, and he is let into heaven.

Then a woman comes floating up and says, ''Please let me into heaven,'' and the man replies, ''Only if you pass this test.''

The woman says, ''Oh no, I'm not very good at tests.''

The man says, ''Your test is to spell LOVE.''

She spells it correctly, and is let into heaven.

The next person that comes floating up is the man's wife. She says, ''OK honey, let me in to heaven.''

The man says, ''I have to give everyone a test before I let them in to heaven.''

She says, ''OK, make it an easy one!!!''

Then the man says, ''Spell Hemorrhoid.''

A copywriter dies, and Saint Peter offers him a choice of Heaven or Hell. The writer asks to see both. Leading him to a doorway, Saint Peter says:

"Here in Hell, we have a room just for copywriters." Inside, the writer sees row upon row of faceless hacks, all scribbling frantically as giant red devils lay into them with

heavy whips. "The meeting's in five minutes! The meeting's in five minutes" the devils scream. "Uh ... better show me Heaven," the writer says. So up they go.

"Here in Heaven, we have a room for copywriters too," Saint Peter says. Peering into the second room, the writer again sees row upon row of faceless hacks, all scribbling

frantically as giant red devils lay into them with heavy whips. "The meeting's in five minutes! The meeting's in five minutes" the devils scream.

The copywriter protests, "But I thought you said this was Heaven!" St. Peter says, "Well, up Here, the work gets produced."

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low

Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates

Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal

Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire

Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God

Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God

Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin

Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully

Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!

Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!