What are the three questions most commonly asked by lawyers?

1. How much money do you have?

2. Where can you get more?

3. Do you have anything you can sell?

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.

There's an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, the other decides to go straight.

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions. No one would build a robot to do nothing.

Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries.

"Didja get anything on that last heist?" Jack asked.

"Nuttin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer."

"Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.

"Didja lose anything?"

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly,

the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"

The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."

The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"

The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we won."

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar

Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment

could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn't want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, "Don't worry.

You'll never have to go to jail with all that money." And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his

desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by

the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"