Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the

refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the

door, I'll get it!"

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by

the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs.

One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The

tooth fairy will never believe this!"

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking

about the time before we got married.

Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was

red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was

almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the

next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just

ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Two senior ladies met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school--how did you manage
to live a well-planned life?"

"Well," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a
preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Asked the friend, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!"

FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes

and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath

not a problem.

SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy

quiet times.

WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a

groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

You can live without sex (but not without glasses).

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with the elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

You can't remember who sent you this.