The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Do fish get cramps after eating?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.