During grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols:

The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of mercury, which was not banned from use when I was 16.

During the session, my bunsen went out, so I re-lit it with a splint lit from the teacher's bunsen. For safety's sake (!) I dropped the burning splint into the sink, intending to extinguish it with water, instead of waving it around in the alcohol fumes. A small blue flame disappeared down the plughole. Hum, thinks I, I wonder where that's going?

I opened the cupboard 'neath the sink, only to find the drain box, full of alcohol, a roaring mass of flame. Shutting the doors, I called out, "Er, Sir..." just as the inch-thick wooden lids blew off the adjacent un-used sinks. Fortunately, the back-blast extinguished the flames under the cupboard, so the box only sagged slightly!

Away in a Test Tube

(Melody: "Away in a Manger")

Away in a test tube

My plague cultures grow

On nutrient agar

Mankind's greatest foe

It's easy to grow them

If one does it right

At thirty-five Celsius

All day and all night

Once they are ready

You can let them go

To sicken the masses

With pus-filled buboes.

Q. If a bear in Yosemite, and one in Alaska fall into water, which one would dissolve faster?

A. The bear in Alaska because it's polar.

Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?

A: Because it's in the ground state.

A neutron walks into a bar, sits down and asks for a drink. Finishing, the neutron asks "How much?"

The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

Element name: WOMAN.
Symbol: WO.

Atomic weight: 'Don't even go there'.

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum,and precious gemstones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turnsslightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element: MAN.
Symbol: XY.

Atomic weight: (180 +/- 50).

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature. Gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to age and rust, older samples are unable to conduct electricity as well as younger samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (child) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.

"Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined.

"It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"