The Top Signs That You Have A Boring Job

You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God".

You have visited every website in the world.

You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.

You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.

You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.

Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.

You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.

Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.

In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.

You Might Be An Internet Addict If...

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

You Might Be A Bad Customer If:

You escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.

You walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.

You yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are.

You return the coffee because it's too hot.

You order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).

You ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one.

You get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years.

If you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20

You think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.

You buy an expensive dress and return it after the party.

You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.

While standing in front of the huge line up of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?"

You dare ask for a discount at a resturaunt because your kids didn't like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor.

You chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.

You pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)

Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn

He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.

On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats.

Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.

Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head.

You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher.

He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.

Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.

Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.

Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.

No toes.

The Top 10 Things To Do While Confined In A Space Station

Roll down the window and throw beer cans at passing satellites.

Play some rather boring games of Solitaire.

Try to bust that myth of Lays Potato Chips: Betcha Can't Eat Just One!

Come up with as many wacky Top 10 List Topics as possible so Top 10 Boy will have work to do into the New Year.

When the NASA camera is off, dance around to "Blue Jean" by David Bowie while wearing just your space helmet.

Do what everyone else does, write out all of your postcards..mail them when you get home.

Don't move, don't touch anything and if you break something, know that you will be blamed mercilessly for it and shunned by society to a Gulag in a remote part of Northern Siberia (Russian Space Station only).

Access www.spacebabes.com on NASA's computer instead of doing those meaningless space experiments.

Call Martian Escort Service..hope like hell they take American Express.

Watch All of Pauly Shore's movies...try to find examples of humor, plot and a reason for making it.