Q. How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS........

A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.

The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.

She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?"

"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

At a bridal shower, each guest was asked to introduce herself and tell everyone how she met Amber, the bride-to-be.

"I met Amber while dating her brother Ron," the first young woman said. The second person gave the same answer. The third said she was Ron's current girlfriend.

An older woman was next. "It's nice to meet all of you ladies," she announced with a grin. "But I think I'd really rather meet Ron."

An American woman and an Iranian woman are in the supermarket.
The Iranian woman picks up two potatoes and says, "These remind me of my husband's testicles."
The American woman says, "That big?"
The Iranian woman says, No...that dirty."

Two wives were airing their troubles:"I'd like to get a divorce," said the first."
My husband and I just don't get along."
"Why don't you sue him for incompatibility?"
asked the second."
I would if I could catch him at it,"replied the first.

Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?Vern: Yes, indeed.
I just can't leave her behind alone.

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that theobituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
Afterthe editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,let it read 'Fred Brown died'."
Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that thereis a 7-word minimum for all obituaries.
The woman pauses again,counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Browndied: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."